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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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Then, outta nowhere, it starts to rain. Like, seriously? I look up, and it’s sunny one second, and the next, I’m drenched. I dash for cover under a tree, but it’s not helping much. I’m standing there, soaked, and I see this old lady walking her dog. She’s just chillin’, like it’s a sunny day. I’m over here looking like a drowned rat.

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